Never again confuse leverage with loyalty, propagandism with publicity, and corporate social responsibility with a lucrative account representing a murderous but hugely wealthy Central Asian dictator. Bask in the admiration of your fellow communications professionals as you pronounce confidently on what to do when horse meat is discovered in the client's 'basics' range of lasagne, or a fire breaks out in their fireproof goods factory, or a wildly politically incorrect utterance is made by a senior member of the board. Discover why there is a curious prevalence of attractive young women in PR consultancies in stark contrast to the curious prevalence of rheumy-eyed elderly men in in-house roles. And if you learn one thing from this book, make sure it is the importance of always retaining an external consultancy to do most of the actual work and take 100% of the blame.

DO SAY: "This has been a watershed year for your company. Since you engaged us, ACME plc is now universally recognised as a phenomenally successful, sustainable, socially responsible yet curiously undervalued investment opportunity." DON'T SAY: "PR is perhaps the only occupation in which bluffing skills are absolutely paramount."