Tormented Soul of an Empty Grave

Things were beginning to take a turn for the worse.

I thought I had a handle on this thing, but this thing had a handle on me. Stress and utter fear internalized and cemented my soul into pessimism. There was no rest for me. I was rotting from spiritual and mental de-cay from the inside out. I wreaked of death, and I was the only one that could smell it. Grief hit me like a crashing wave, and I was sinking deep from within, deep with-in myself, within the confines of my own rigid mind. I took a look at the grave set before me, but it was empty! How could this be? Had I completely lost the little bit of sanity I had left? My God! You have to save me!

God revealed to me His ability to heal and set free...

"I will do all that you ask of me, if you want it, if you allow me."

Only He could show me how to over-come death that did not die, flesh that could not cry, and release the extraordinary control I would hold on to because it was most important to me.

Jesus-Was I able to allow myself to bleed out for the sake of honoring God's will for my life?

Before I Knew You

Drowning in the stains of childhood trauma, survival of the fittest became my motto. Crushing the tongues of those who had spoken against my destiny was every bit of the motivation I needed to survive...to thrive in a dark place where no light was visible to the natural eye. I was de-termined to not allow the abhorrent molestation, abuse, abandonment, and pure hatred control my life any longer, so I took a stand. But what exactly was I taking a stand for? Maybe it was to win the love of my abusers. Could it be pos-sible to take a stand against the Almighty God Himself?

You know, taking a stand to find myself doesn't sound too bad, right? There had to be some logical expla-nation for feeling empty inside of my own body. I once looked at my reflection in the mirror, and it stared back at me. Could standing in front of a mirror finally give me the answer I was looking for? I didn't know if I was com-ing or going. I was lost with no sense of direction, and the only definite path to take was down. Whatever this thing was that I was trying so desperately to accom-plish, it would ultimately turn my world "right side in."